I no longer have the desire to be famous.
There. I said it.
Ever since I was six years old I’ve had a recurring problem: I was never happy with where I was in the present moment.
I remember my 6th birthday party. I remember making my wish when I blew out the candles. I remember some big person, maybe it was my dad, asking me what I wished for. And I remember saying I wanted to be 10. Because 10 was two numbers and two numbers were better than one.
And it snowballed from there. When I was 10 I wanted to be 13. When I was 13 I wanted to be 18. When I was 18 I wanted to be 20. I was never satisfied or content or happy just being where I was at any given point in time.
All this wanting morphed into a belief that I should be farther along my path than I really am. Which led me to develop my overachieving and overdoing and overly responsible habits. If someone was going to be 110%, it was going to be me.
It’s taken me nearly 53 years to finally figure out that there is no such thing as being more than 100%. All of me equals 100%. More of me, more of 100% is a figment of my imagination. And an unreasonable goal to aspire to.
The person I’m hardest on is myself. All this constant striving and driving for the illusive carrot at the end of a stick is just that: an illusion. And a vain illusion at that.
If I’m hardest on myself, it finally dawned on me that I probably come across as hard on others, too. As if I know what’s best for you. Ha! I don’t. I have no idea what’s best for you. Only you do.
So where’s this leading me?
I’ve decided to turn the dial on my kaleidoscope of life. My current view is still massively skewed to illusions, delusions, untruths, and false beliefs. I need to be in loving service to myself so that I can learn to be in loving service to others.
Here’s how I’ll be in loving service, first to myself and then to you:
Stop taking so much of what happens around me personally.
What others think about me is none of my business. Nothing anyone thinks or says about me is about me. It’s about their perception of me and the darn stinking truth is not too many people are thinking all that much about me anyway. They’re worrying about what they think I might think about them.
Press pause more often.
It’s time to take my own advice and press pause. I jump to conclusions based on limited information and fill in the gaps with my own assumptions. Most of the time, I reach an incorrect ending.
Spend more time on my yoga mat.
And this time I’m not just going through the poses. I will incorporate awareness with each breath and with each movement. Even though I teach yoga, I’m always, always, always a student first.
I don’t know everything.
If I can’t help myself, I’ll find someone who can. If I can’t help you, I’ll connect you with someone who can.
Somewhere along the line I stopped being curious. Why? Because my know-it-all monkey mind believed it knew everything. I think it still does so I need to counter balance it with curiosity. A few months ago I felt the urge to paint. Who me? Paint? This took a generous amount of curiosity and the suspension of many false beliefs about my own artistic abilities.
Sure I can play it safe and go for the easy plays. Which, of course, creates a false sense of security and a false sense of self-importance. Taking risks means showing up real and stepping into uncertain and unknown territory. It also means shedding layers of my own pretense and make believe.
Do more of what I love and make no apologies for it.
I make things. I write stuff. I paint. (Yes, gosh darn it! I paint.) And I teach. I love to teach. I’m in my element when I’m teaching. Most of the time I teach what I need to learn even when I think I already know it.
Sure, at times it’s necessary but not all. the. time. Multitasking is something I can no longer claim to be the epitome of a successful cat herder, writer, teacher, project manager, etc. Multitasking is one big reason why I find it so damn hard to be right here right now. Maybe you do, too.
To remain open to the infinite possibilities of whatever I want to happen.
Again, it’s time to take my own advice and drop the how of things. My monkey mind is determined to convince me that it knows exactly how things should play out. It thinks it knows how to achieve exactly what I want. The truth is, my monkey mind knows jack squat. My monkey mind may come up with two or three ways (maybe four) to achieve X. And then it tries to convince me that these are the only possibilities. Talk about limited thinking. The Universe knows way more than I do. Like galaxies upon galaxies upon galaxies more than I do. The Universe knows unlimited possibilities and outcomes. As long as I’m clear about the WHAT, I can trust that the Universe will deliver on the how.
To pay closer attention to what’s going on inside me rather than outside of me.
The inner quite of discontent. The inner rustle of restlessness. Whatever you want to call it. For me it feels like course sandpaper being rubbed on the inside of my skin. Mindful time on my yoga mat will definitely help with this.
Reduce my time wasters.
A few months ago my twitter account was hacked and I was locked out.
No matter what I did to recover my account, I got caught in the never ending black hole of Twitter non-support. At first I panicked. I had nearly 5,000 followers on twitter. What would they do without me? Excuse me while I have a good belly laugh.
Okay. I’m back.
I was Twitterless for about a month. Yes, I’m back on Twitter, and no, I don’t have 5,000 followers. More like 200 and that’s sweet!
A few months ago I deleted my Facebook “biz” page for my website.
I culled my friends list. I unfollowed a bunch of people who cluttered my newsfeed with mind junk. I’m still not done here. I find myself scrolling through my feed looking for…I don’t know what I’m looking for. Whatever it is, it’s NOT on Facebook.
Recently, I lost my website.
Poof. It disappeared into the vast ether of cyber space. Apparently, hackers got to it and injected all kinds of malware and bullshit and left me with the white screen of nothing. Talk about pressing pause and reassessing. My hosting company said they can roll me back to the last clean copy of my website, October 26, 2016. I’m strongly considering saying aidos. I had grand plans and sales pages and a member forum and maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree. Nothing has ever really materialized from all the ways I’ve tried to have an online business.
But offline…I have a thriving side business teaching yoga and making things that are pretty. Hmmm…I think the Universe is calling. Time for me to answer.
As always, I’m a work in progress.
I’m not aiming for perfection or 110% or to be the best of the best. I’m chiseling away the rough edges and peeling away invisible walls so my light can shine brighter from the inside out.
I’d love to hear from you. How are you in loving service to yourself and others?